I lied. I lied when I posted my first blog post about New Year resolutions.
I said I had no new resolutions except to be better. To be better all-around is still very true, yet I realized that God is speaking so clearly into my life right now. That to just be better is minimal compared to what God wants.
For a couple of weeks I have had some self-realizations, and the bottom line of it all is: I’m selfish.
Being selfish is a very human trait, and to an extent I don’t think it’s necessarily bad either. However, with myself I find that I keep wanting and wanting. Even after I have gotten the things I want, I still find myself wanting more. I get so caught up with what I want that I don’t appreciate after it’s been received.
I have even convinced myself that the things I want are also needs. Truth be told some maybe a need but I tend to take that need and push it into a selfish want.
For example: I NEED a new car, desperately. I have owned my little ’99 Ford Taurus for nine years. It was the first car I ever bought, and even though it has been amazing, it’s getting older and needs to be retired, at least from my family.
So I have established that getting a different car is a NEED, however since I have been car shopping I have found myself gravitating to the more expensive and newer cars. Thinking to myself, I would sure look awesome in the 2011 Nissan Rouge, and Aria and her future siblings would love the room. I even think of less selfish reasons like: great gas mileage… a higher car would really help my back out… and of course I would let Jon pick out any color… as long as it’s black.
So essentially I have perverted my honest NEED, into a selfish WANT. And like I said before, there is nothing wrong with wanting, or being a little selfish on occasion.
Nevertheless, in my situation, that WANT surpasses my simple NEED and budget.
I want an iPhone, I want a new house, I want new furniture, I want newer appliances, I want another baby, I want my husband to make more money, I want to be liked, I want etc… My wants could go on and on.
Even though some of my wants could be considered completely understandable, I realize that the center of all those wants is me. I have become so self-centered, that I think I have lost sight of why I truly even want these things. And even worse, I have lost sight of the wants God has for me.
God has a lot of wants and desires for my life, they are better and bigger than any desires I could ever come up with myself.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
– Jeremiah 29:11
Throughout my entire life I can look back and pin point times where God has proven his word to be truth. Even through times of despair God has held my heart in his hands, never loosing sight of the wants and desires he has for me.
Some key points in my life that God has so amazingly intervened is: Meeting my husband, having my daughter, and going back to school.
If I would of followed ‘my heart’, I would of married the boy I thought I loved, more than likely been divorced now and never would of met Jon. I never would of returned to college and I have no doubt that I would be a very unhappy individual.
I cannot even express in words how many other times God has brought blessings into my life, and I have never had a clue how vastly large that blessing was.
So I want to be less selfish this year, I want to no longer want, but instead want what God wants. Like My brother-in-law Nathan said in church, I want to say yes to God.
I feel that this year I have so much more to learn about myself, and about God. Like hearing a whisper in my ear, my word from Him this year is to be still.
So for this year I will be still. Like a tree through the seasons I will be still. Growing strong roots within, and branching outward. Only to be swayed in the direction that God calls me to go; I plan to be still waiting to see the blessings and challenges God sends my way. Knowing that whatever he sends my way will only strengthen me, and not break me.
“Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
I will be found by you,” declares the LORD
– Jeremiah 29:12-13
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
– Psalm 23:1-3